sometimes, i gotta learn to shut up. seems like everytime i open my mouth in front of this person, i mess up. it didn't use to be this way, you know, i actually enjoy talking to this person. but because of my stupidity, i end up saying things i don't mean to say...
...as if i have the biggest problem in the world. well, i don't! but i just can't stop bitching about things that i couldn't have right now when i want them. well, i can't... yet! being the impatient me, i vent it out on the wrong person. and i end up feeling guilty as hell. and again, i'm wondering how everything would heal and fall back into place.
i hate myself for being like this. i don't know how i became like this. i resent myself for acting childlike and now i know i have scarred our relationship. i don't even know how to remedy this. why can't i just tell myself that i can't have everything, that i can't move on like i want to, that i would have to wait for the right time, and not rush into things.
i keep asking myself if i really am that bad, if i don't appreciate the people around me enough, that i give myself too much and i am too selfish. other people say that i'm not, but deep in my heart, something's telling me that i am. if i'm not, why does it keep bothering me?
maybe i should just be supportive. but i don't know up to what extent. i keep thinking of my future, on how i want to build it, how i want to prepare for it. it seems though that i can never be ready, especially when there are a lot of things in my way.
i just feel sad that they don't understand me. if they do, they don't say it. they act as if nothing's wrong, and that i'm still a little girl. that i would just bounce back to life and everything would be okay.
i'm hurt, but i don't know if i have the right to be. again, for the nth time, i will succumb to what can appease them at this moment. maybe next time, i can say no, but in a nice way, maybe. not in my stubborn-sounding way. maybe.
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